UNMASKING BEGINS WITH AWARENESS
- Lana Jelenjev
- Aug 4
- 4 min read
Many neurodivergent individuals learn early on that being themselves can come at a cost—judgment, exclusion, misunderstanding. So we adapt. We tune in to what others expect. We scan the room for cues. We adjust our tone, tempo, posture, and even personality to maintain safety or avoid conflict. Over time, this becomes second nature.
We call this masking. But when masking becomes chronic—when it moves from adaptive to automatic—we can lose touch with the most important compass we have: ourselves.
This first shift in the journey of unmasking is about coming home to your presence. It’s not about pushing away the parts of you that adapted for safety. It’s about learning to pause, notice, and ask:
“What’s true for me right now?”
People-pleasing is a strategy. Presence is a state.
Presence doesn’t mean you never adapt or compromise. It means you’re aware when you’re doing it—and you choose from self-awareness, not self-erasure.
When you operate from presence, you’re rooted in clarity. Your actions are guided not by fear of rejection but by inner alignment. It might not always be comfortable, but it will be more sustainable.
Why Awareness Matters for Unmasking
Awareness is the foundation of all lasting change. Without it, we can’t tell the difference between what’s serving us and what’s depleting us.
In moments of people-pleasing, you might:
Smile even when you’re hurt
Say “yes” to tasks while your body is screaming “no”
Downplay your needs so others feel more comfortable
Shift your voice or behavior to be more “acceptable”
These might seem small, but over time, they accumulate. The nervous system can’t regulate well if you’re constantly overriding your needs. Emotional burnout often begins here.
Cultivating inner awareness gives you the pause—the choice.
The chance to return to your body, your needs, and your presence.
What Does Presence Look Like?
Presence is not perfection. It’s not always graceful. It’s not about being assertive all the time or never masking your emotions. It’s about being with yourself—your truth, your feelings, your boundaries—even when it’s hard.
Here’s what presence can sound like:
“I need a moment before I respond.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed—can we come back to this?”
“That doesn’t work for me right now.”
“I’m not sure, but I can check in with myself and let you know.”
Presence respects your nervous system. It honors your capacity. It reminds you: you don’t have to earn space—you already belong.
Build Your Anchor Inventory
Presence can be fleeting when your nervous system is in survival mode. That’s why it helps to build an Anchor Inventory—a personalized set of sensory tools, body cues, words, or objects that help you return to yourself when you feel like you’re drifting into performance, pressure, or people-pleasing.
Anchors are not rules. They’re reminders. They gently guide you back to your truth—without judgment, urgency, or self-criticism. Your anchors might include:
A mantra like: “I have nothing to prove right now.”
A grounding gesture like placing your hand on your heart or thigh
A sensory cue: essential oil, smooth stone, or soft fabric
A visual reminder: sticky notes, affirmations, a symbol of safety
A question like: “Is this a yes from my body—or from fear?”
These anchors help create a pause. They help you notice when you're shifting into performance, and offer you a way to return to presence. Your Anchor Inventory will grow over time. You might even create a small kit or digital list of what helps you feel most like yourself.
Here is a simple process to start your anchor inventory:
Step 1: Notice the Drift
Begin by naming the cues that show you’re leaving presence and entering performance or people-pleasing:
My voice gets higher or softer
I say “yes” before thinking
I smile when I feel tension
I disconnect from my body’s signals
I feel pressure to be “agreeable” or “easygoing”
What are your signs of drifting?
Write 3–5 phrases, behaviors, or sensations that signal you’ve left presence.
Step 2: Name Your Anchors
Choose your anchors in six categories. You don’t need one in each—just start where there’s resonance.
Mantra “I don’t have to earn rest.”“I’m allowed to pause.”
Sensory Anchor A smooth stone, lavender oil, soft fabric
Body Cue Hand on heart, long exhale, shoulder roll
Visual Prompt Post-it note, symbol of safety, a photo of a calming place
Auditory Cues Favorite playlist, chime, bell, voice memo of your mantra
Centering Question “Is this coming from alignment—or fear?” “What do I need right now?”
Step 3: Create Your Anchor Ritual
Make it yours. An anchor ritual doesn’t need to be long or formal.
It can be a 10-second pause before answering an email.A quiet breath before a meeting.A whispered mantra in the bathroom between social interactions.
Example Ritual Flow:
Notice - “I’m feeling myself shift into performance.”
Pause - Breathe slowly.
Acknowledge – “This is a familiar pattern. It makes sense I go here.”
Anchor – Choose a tool: hand on chest, mantra, grounding object.
Ask – “What do I need in this moment?” or “What’s true for me now?”
Act – Only if you want to. Sometimes the anchor is enough.
Optional: Build Your Anchor Kit
You can create a small physical kit or digital anchor board that includes:
A small pouch with sensory items
A printed mantra card
A note with “pause” questions
Photos or symbols that bring calm
Favorite music or grounding tracks
This kit is not for fixing you—it’s to remind you of you. REMEMBER: You don’t need to shrink to fit—your presence is a gift, not a problem.
You can download the worksheets here:
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